One of the greatest tensions that people have when it comes to forming a new relationship is the wish to be committed and connected with a special someone, while at the same time wanting to feel free and independent. No other holiday illustrates this tension better than Pesach. We see this tension illustrated in how the children of Israel want to be freed from slavery but then wanting to return to Egypt almost as soon as freedom is granted.
Many commentators see in this dialectic the desire to return to Egypt and therefore to slavery, as a loss of faith in G-d. The Israelites struggled to believe that they could both enjoy living life on their own terms with G-d by their side and still survive. They didn’t know how to strike the balance between believing in themselves and their own capabilities as a free people, while receiving assistance from G-d. This is the internal battle that each of us experience when dealing with difficult circumstances in light of a potentially better way of dealing with the situation at hand. We often tend to stick with the devil we know, rather than move forward and accept a new sense of reality, because change, even for the better, freaks most of us out.
Marriage is very similar. On the one hand, we want to connect to someone whom we believe can provide a new and exciting sense of reality for us. On the other hand, we want the luxury of complete independence, not having to answer to anyone, not having to work around someone else’s schedule, not having to feel bound in any way – in other words, not having to change our existing reality. Ironically, in order to truly connect with someone else, we first need to be a separate and free individual. No marriage can be successful if either one or both of the individuals involved aren’t able to exist as free independent individuals. Marriages with two dependent individuals usually fail because each subconsciously wants the other to make decisions for them and to effectively do the work for them. This puts all the pressure on the other to make it work.
People who have never experienced a committed relationship are often unaware of the fact that unlike slavery, committing to someone else doesn’t mean losing one’s freedom. Marriage should instead be considered as an alternative type of freedom. By connecting with a life partner, we are freeing ourselves from having to have all of the answers and bearing the burden of life on our own. Just as the Israelites had to do when they left Egypt, a newly married couple needs to reorient themselves to a different type of existence – Not one from freedom to slavery, but from one sort of freedom to another.
In the 1930s, the well-known psychologist, Margaret Mahler developed the concept of “separation-individuation”. This theory can be used to explain how we are programmed to enjoy having decisions and choices made for us – effectively to be slaves – and why we struggle with emerging into our own self. Mahler described that in order for babies to develop, they must first go through a process of separating from their primary caregiver and slowly develop into their own individual self. This is a process that takes place in three primary stages throughout life – as a baby, in adolescence and as we grow into adulthood. Each stage of separation and individuation provides an opportunity for the individual to develop their own independent self that is separate from their primary caregiver. Each stage is frightening as we walk the tightrope of leaving the confines of the safe parental environment and move towards a more amorphous existence where we need to define for ourselves who we are as we create our own rules and boundaries – in other words, the transition towards a free-thinking, independent individual. This is something that many of us struggle with because as we go through this process, we inevitably begin to feel a sense of loneliness and isolation.
As in all relationships, the trick is dealing with this tension between over-connecting to someone who can potentially provide for all of our needs, while still being capable of providing for ourselves. It requires us to be very aware of who we are and to communicate this in a self-confident manner towards our partner. It requires us to become more open and vulnerable towards our partner, while at the same time being able to deal with the anxiety over the fact that he or she will not always be able to meet our demands. It is the dual tension between giving ourselves up and holding on to ourselves, being free and self-sufficient, yet aware that we still require the warmth and connection of being bound, accountable and responsible towards another.
This Pessach, perhaps we can contemplate this tension between personal and communal slavery and freedom, and through sitting with this tension find a way to truly experience the notion of our own personal and communal redemption.
Micki Lavin-Pell is Director of Beineinu and a Marriage and Relationship therapist for more than 10+ years. She has successfully helped 17 clients become engaged over the past 13 months alone. Beineinu offers relationship coaching, shadchanut, opportunities to meet new people and relationship education programs. Find out more about Beineinu via our website: http://www.iyim.org.il/singles.
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